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the next 48 hours are going to feel like i’m cramming for college finals. jim mathis has commissioned me to draw cartoons for his next book called the camel and the eye of the needle. i read most of the book yesterday, and i’ll crank out some material for him today. then starting at noon tomorrow, i’ll be in a 24 hour race against other radio producers. it’s a contest to see who can write, edit, and produce the best 4 minute non-fiction piece for a santa monica radio station. when the dust clears in a couple of weeks, the winner will collect $1000.

funny but painful, laughing through the hurt, side splitting nausea… those are the first phrases that come to mind when i think of bad elvis impersonators. i also imagine that they would be accompanied by the portsmouth sinfonia aka the world’s worst orchestra. i can’t stop laughing… ow!

my number neighbor reached out to me on monday. if you’re wondering what that means, it’s this: someone out there has my phone number, except for the last digit, and they texted me. so if my phone number ended in 4461, my number neighbor would be 4460. when i asked a few folks at the coffeehouse if they had received a similar text, one guy said “yeah,” and showed me a picture of a cat that his number neighbor had sent him. the screenshot above is how my exchange went. i guess i could have been friendlier.

here’s what happened. jenny’s cousin kathy said, “dave if you want a cold beer, there’s a ‘frig in the garage where you can get one.” when i saw this old datsun in their garage, i immediately wanted a picture of it. i could’ve done a standing pose outside of it, or even sat in the driver’s seat– but i went for this one instead. kathy let me borrow a 1973 chilton’s manual, and jenny took the photo. kathy’s husband ed is going to fix it up, but i like the rough look it has right now. during the weekend we saw some really cool cars at eddies rod & custom shop, but this is the one i’m going to remember.

“…and melt with you.” that’s what modern english sang in the movie, valley girl. whenever i hear that song, time sort of stops, but if i really want to stop time, all i have to do is play an old arcade game. i used to drive to places like tapcade, 1984, and arkadia retrocade– now, thanks to my friend hoovie, i just flip a switch on my own personal arcade machine! when space is invaded, and a donkey’s last name is “kong,” time has slowed down to my speed.

if hard boiled eggs could talk they would sound like sam spade, philip marlowe, barry craig, and pat novak. these are the old radio detectives that jenny & i listen to at bedtime. when there’s a late night jazzy horn section, followed by a weary savvy intro read by jack webb, there’s gonna be a 1930′s-40′s noir-ish dialogue that never stops sounding cool. here’s what he sounded like before he was joe friday on dragnet:
ON WOMEN:
“She was wearing a V-neck sweater, and the designer believed in using capital letters.”
“She turned and walked out of there. It was the kind of the walk that makes you flip the calendar and find out how far away spring is.”
“She sauntered in, moving slowly from side to side like 118 pounds of warm smoke.”
ON MEN:
“He was about the size of a golf bag with arms. If he had a cigar box, he could see over a pool table.”
“Calm down before you wind up in a boy’s choir.”
“He was draped over the curb like a tired carpet. And if his suit was a brighter yellow, he could have passed for a loading zone.”
ON AMBIENCE:
“The sky was the color of a bruised spot on a man’s arm.”
“The room was full of taboo.”
“The street was as deserted as a warm bottle of beer.”

jenny’s sister told us there were raccoons on her deck yesterday. this is really weird because it was in the daytime, and her sister doesn’t live on the outskirts of town– she’s just 15 minutes away from our house! these nocturnal creatures must have gotten hungry during their daytime sleep, and thought there was a ‘frig to raid nearby. it made me think of maria bamford claiming to be a raccoon.

margaret, mavis, opal, and florence were just names that no one knew until they changed them to dillie, kosher, gherkin, and bee bee. they recorded a few songs that got on the radio. they appeared in a newsreel that grabbed every moviegoers attention– and suddenly everyone was crazy about the pickle sisters. green studded dresses started flying off the racks, children ransacked their parents wardrobe closet for anything that looked like a pickle hat, and i’m green for your form reached #6 on the hit parade.
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-my thanks to the good folks at weird vintage everyday for posting this on instagram. i saw the pic & made up a story– but i really hope some of it is true.

they usually stare at their phones or they talk to other students. in the 12 years of teaching CPR, i’ve seen a lot of students act different ways in the classroom. it’s not every day that a guy sits in the back row, and takes selfies with a mannequin. geoff helped make a memorable morning. he wasn’t just any guy, he was my kind of crazy.

nathan, josh, and alex finished my french drain project, and evened out my new gravel driveway yesterday! we borrowed a neighbor’s wheelbarrow, and got the job done in an hour. nathan and alex are brothers, but they had never met josh before they started the project two weeks ago. i’ve known all 3 of them since they were toddlers. they didn’t talk much on the job, but while they were digging the ditch the first day, i realized they were all musicians. i hope they make better career choices than these guys: