Monthly Archives: December 2020

It finally happened. The device I’ve been using for my own convenience thinks of  itself as more important than me now. Two nights ago it decided it didn’t want to take pictures of anything. It won’t record video either. It will only take screenshots. It’s basically saying “why do you want to take a picture of that when I can take a picture of this?” When I try to use the camera, a notification shows up at the bottom of the screen that says “Security policy restricts use of Camera.” I feel like I’m in that scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey where the astronaut is trying to get his computer to open the pod bay doors and HAL 9000 says, “I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

We didn’t know whether to fold him or wash him, but there he was in the clothes hamper! When a cat is staring a hole into your forehead you know he wants to play. So what did I do? I grabbed my phone and took a picture instead. Hey, hey, don’t be so quick to take his side now! He pulls the old “switcheroo” on me all the time. Sometimes I think he wants to be affectionate, and the next second he’s biting my hand. Cats.

My uncle was a man who took pleasure in the simple things. He loved taking vacations where he could seclude himself and listen to classical music. During the holiday season, he liked to drive through neighborhoods with Christmas lights with his wife. Sometimes they would even indulge themselves at an exquisite restaurant. His brother Frank, however, never understood why anyone would want to leave his own home where you can smoke on Christmas morning without even getting dressed.
-Even though this picture looks like my Uncle Johnny from the 1960′s, I’m pretty sure it’s someone else. I just wanted to make up a story around it.

Before I was a barista, I was a babysitter. I had left my job at channel 5, hoping that another broadcasting job would drop in my lap… but it was turning into a long wait and the unemployment checks were running out. Some good friends said “we’ll pay you to watch the boys, Dave!” I wasn’t doing anything else but watching a lot of TV and playing pinball so I said, “ok.” Nathan and Alex were two-year-old twins at the time and I knew they could probably gang up on me after their parents left the house but I took the job anyway. One day the trash man was driving down their street and I told them he was actually taking the trash to the north pole and that he would come back on Christmas day. They laughed. That was 16 years ago. Recently I found out someone actually made a movie about it, and this Friday it’s airing on Netflix.

We bumped into a Homer’s kid at the pharmacy a few weeks ago. Almost everyone was younger than me while I worked at Homer’s, co-workers and customers alike. I watched preteens turn into college students and adolescents morph into moms and dads. During that time Jenny & I became parent figures to many of those “Homer’s kids.” When we saw Daniel at first I wasn’t sure if it was him because of our masks, but the way we kept looking at each other over the pharmacy aisle, I finally said “Daniel?” It was him. Daniel used to come to Homer’s all the time with his dad, Charlie. Daniel was at the pharmacy to buy skin moisturizer for his new tattoo. I asked if there was a story behind it and found out that his family has always liked bears. They even put “bear” after each others’ names. It was good seeing Daniel Bear.

“Indy, why does the floor move?” That’s the question Sallah asked Indiana Jones before they realized the floor was covered with snakes. Thankfully my breakfast booth isn’t teeming with snakes from Raiders of the Lost Ark, but it is covered with faces in formica. A few days ago this mutant penguin gave me the ‘side eye.’ He appears to be in a bad mood and in need of dental work. I’ll call him Bucky. 

Hoovie got his t-shirts in the mail! He was so excited he put them both on and started playing video games! I’m glad Rachell had a camera nearby when he went into action. It’s sort of like Marlin Perkins filming a cheetah when it chases down its prey! Here you see the predator lulling his victims into a false sense of security by disguising himself as one of them (a space invader) before blasting the entire horde into oblivion. …and here is the mighty hunter displaying his other outer t-shirt as he gets ready to face another day. Rock on Sir Hoovie! 

It was like a carnival on a beach where aliens landed… I could hear a wheezy accordion… I could taste the salty air… I could even see a green haze on the horizon that looked like it was from another world! That’s what each kernel of this glazed coconut popcorn tasted like. There is a wide array of flavors on the wall at Pop Culture where we bought two little bags of popcorn, and I intend on going back to try each one. This popcorn isn’t something you can live on, but it’s something you can live for!

Maybe it’s a phase I’m going through, maybe it’s a revelation: I love V-neck tees. I especially love ones with weirdly singular retro designs like this souvenir shirt from an Asian restaurant that may or may not exist. No eating establishment sells t-shirts like this anymore! That’s why I had to have one! This is only one of 4 t-shirts that I bought recently. Another one has the AM/FM dial that I wrote about last week, and then two more were mailed to Hoovie’s house yesterday. I’m waiting to hear his response. Operators are standing by. As soon as I know, you will too.